What should I do if my partner hid their HIV status from me?

The long answer

It must have been a deep shock to you that your partner only disclosed his HIV-positive status after months of having unprotected sex with him. You probably felt betrayed, angry and scared. 

Let’s look at the problem both practically and emotionally.

Practically: 

Antiretroviral treatment (ART) prevents HIV from reproducing itself. If your partner is on ART and has been on ART for at least six months, it is likely that the viral load in his blood is so low that it has become undetectable. In other words, it cannot be picked up in a laboratory test. This does not mean that he is not HIV-positive, but it does mean that it is unlikely that he transmitted HIV to you, even if you are having unprotected sex. But, obviously, you should have an HIV test to be sure.

Emotionally:

When there has been a breakdown in trust between intimate partners, it often helps to talk about it with people who are not involved in the relationship, and who have knowledge and experience in the area. There are HIV-related support groups and organisations that you could contact for counselling. Contact details for some of them are listed below.

It’s also worth bearing in mind that HIV has been so stigmatised in South Africa as a shameful disease, and so many HIV-positive people have been thrown out by their families because of it, that there must be a deep fear of being rejected if their status is known. This fear may have led your partner not to tell you about his status. 

Here are the contact details for some organisations that could put you in touch with counselling and support groups:

• Lifeline Western Cape for confidential, anonymous counselling: 021 461 1113

• HIVSA provides help and support if you are affected by HIV: 011 494 1900

• LoveLife's sexual health helpline: 0800 121 900. Send a Please Call Me: *140*0833231023# (Vodacom) or *121*0833231023# (MTN) or *111*0833231023# (CellC)

Finally, it should be said that there is no law in South Africa that makes it a criminal offence not to disclose your HIV status to your sexual partner. A 2016 Groundup article says the following: "Constitutional Court Judge Edwin Cameron has argued that even if HIV-positive people, who know their status, have unprotected sex and without stating their status to their partners, they should be prosecuted only if they were intentionally trying to infect their partners."

Wishing you the best,
Athalie